What Are YOU Doing For The Oscars?

This here is an email sent by my friend Brendan. I also like to refer to him as my “favorite morning cup of coffee.” If you read the email, you will understand why. To be honest, most emails sent between my friends kind of look like this. Yet, since the Oscars are this coming Sunday, I thought why not post this one!? It’s funny and perfect. JUST LIKE BRENDAN! 

I HAVE A REALLY BAD CASE OF WRITER’S BLOCK. 

I literally have no idea what to write about. I just IM’d my friend and demanded her to tell me something good because I need some serious inspiration. All she could offer me was that she has a babysitting job after work this evening where she has to watch three children and cannot, for the life of her, remember any of the kids’ names. That’s the best she could give me. Not a whole lot to work with, but I appreciate the effort. 

I mean, I’m spent. I’m too calm to write about dick-weasel ex boyfriends. Fashion week is over, and I have failed in my plan to make DVF my BFF (you WILL be mine one day, Dianne….and you WILL read me bed time stories in a caftan and give me advice with that accent of yours…) so I have nothing exciting to say on that front. I have not had odd experiences as of late, well not weirder than anything I’m faced with during my normal daily grind. UGH!

Tell me: What the hell does one write about when they are not feeling sappy or heartbroken or quick or funny or brilliant? I don’t even feel like making fun of Kim Kardashian! I can’t even find a quote to substitute for my own wit right now, this is absurd. WHO AM I? 

I’m going to eat a bag of potato chips about it. Maybe the crunching will help me think. 

Happy Tuesday! 

I went home to Los Angeles this past holiday weekend. I had a most fantastic time and am now feeling very rested, wide eyed, happy and quite refreshed. I needed a simple re-charge! Don’t we all need that from time to time? 

Real Talk: I Don’t Know What To Call This One, Actually…

I’m about to get really emotional and girlie on you all. Last night, I was listening to the song “Jar Of Hearts” (because I’m a sappy girl…lyrics posted below…Also, just an FYI, I’ve never seen such a ridiculous music video, like, ever…but, alright) and I can’t remember the last time a song told my exact story of heartbreak to a “T.”

My last relationship, which I have touched on a few times in past posts, did a number on me. I have never experienced love and heartbreak this way in my life. When this relationship ended, the wind was knocked out of me. Part of what made this break up so difficult was that it never, really, simply ended. Although he entered his next relationship within weeks of our break-up, he continued to reach out, to tell me he was deeply in love with me, had no idea what he was doing, was making a huge mistake and couldn’t take being apart from me. Then, he would shut me down and take it all back. Over. And over. And over. When we saw each other for the first time post breakup over the Summer, we agreed that our feelings for one another hadn’t weakened and that we would work on mending our relationship and get back together. Yet, he made me promises he couldn’t keep, I fell for it. I’m an idiot. But of course, it didn’t end there either.

The cycle began again…The reaching out, the “I love you’s,” the “I miss you’s,” the “I want to see you’s.” So finally, after months, we saw each other. He held me in his arms, kissing me, he told me that he has never loved anyone the way and to the extent to which he loves me….That he wished we had never broken up to begin with. There my dumb ass was. Love drunk. Falling for it. Again. Thanking the heavens that he had finally come to his senses…That we were embracing each other again, holding each other tight and close. I just loved him…

It turns out that the only person that needed to come to their senses was ME. The next day, he took back everything he told me. Ripped me apart all over again. I couldn’t understand why it was so easy for him to do this to me. For months, he hadn’t truly let go of me. And I hadn’t truly let go of him. I continued to allow him back into my life. Every time he reached out, I’d buckle. Every fucking time. This was the man that had promised me the world, we were planning on spending our lives together and creating a life together. Instead, he turned out to be the boy who couldn’t figure himself the fuck out. A boy who wasn’t who he said he was. There was no man there. My heart had never felt so empty and heavy all at the same time. And I don’t think I had ever felt so damn tired. 

But lately, I am learning so much about my strength. Experiencing some excruciating heartbreak and allowing someone to make me question my own worth has lead me to this journey of “self discovery” (for lack of a better term). I’d say that within these last few months, I have grown leaps and bounds. It almost feels like I was a little girl “back then.” Revisiting this experience in my mind still stings. And that’s just the truth. 

Maybe one day I can tell him “thank you,” because I know there will come a time when all my pieces have come back together, this time these pieces will be glued on a hell of a lot tighter, and I will have learned how to really value myself. And that, my friends, is one of the most important lessons in this life. 

WHAT WAS DIANE VON FURSTENBERG THINKING?!

In honor of the recently fashionable Fashion Week, I have posted this video.

I also would like to say I happen to be emotionally really slutty: Any man who can make me laugh, like actually LAUGH, I fall madly in love with and want to marry…Gay or straight. It doesn’t matter. In conclusion, Billy Eichner, let’s make a life together. 

This One Time, I Felt So Rebellious And Got This Tattoo…

Just kidding. I drew it. 

“My tattoo is that I don’t have a tattoo.”- MICHAEL J. FOX, Esquire, Dec. 2007

My Favorite Morning Cup Of Coffe: A.K.A. My Friend Brendan ‘The Dirtiest Voice Of Reason’ Davis on Taylor Swift

Monday mornings happen to be my favorite mornings because those are the mornings in which I can meet with my friend Brendan to chat about Sunday night television. This morning was all about The Grammys. Brendan usually has the answers to everything, so when I asked him who the eff T-Swift was singing (or whining, whichever you do prefer…) about, his response was, “she has sat on every dick in Hollywood.” 

And there you have it…My favorite morning cup of coffee…

Things Nicholas Sparks Loves: A  Brief look At The Things That Everything He Writes Has In Common Which Is Everything

- Memory disorders.

- People who go away to war.

- People who come back from war.

- Guys who are really poor but who are, in turn, really in tune with their emotions and the emotions of others. *They usually either are going away to war, are away at war, or have just come back from war.

- Blonde girls.

- Passionate sex between two lovers whose clothes have been dampened and/or soaked by either rainfall or sea water or a lake. 

- Love letters that have been lost, found or hidden, sometimes from a mean mom (usually, this mom is the mom of the blonde girl and the girl is usually rich).

- People not talking for a while and then finding each other again only to make out with wet clothes on.

- People over the age of 60 making out.

- People who have known each other for like 1 week but fall crazily in love and write letters to each other because one of them usually goes away to war. 

- The SAME effing actresses…OVER AND OVER AND OVER. 

- Unfortunate OR untimely deaths. Either way, something happens away at war or a disease or old age. 

- Making girls cry. (Not me though, because I think his shit is stupid as fuck). 

So, who is going to see The Vow this Valentoonz Day??? Anyone…???

UPDATE: Some gem who calls herself “joannethegiraffee” reblogged my post and added this: “lolol was tumblring the vow and saw this post.  I’m just laughing so hard.  I hope the author eventually realizes The Vow has nothing to do with Nicholas Sparks.  Check your facts next time before making a false accusation and calling something shit and stupid as fuck, dear.” Hey, Joanne…RELAX….

I Can’t…

Look, I’m all for artistic expression. But Nicki Minaj’s performance at The Grammys was an absolute fucking mess. A mess. A mess in a dress. What in the hell was THAT? I’m sorry, Nicki, but I do not understand where you were going with that one…So, I have a few questions like: Who came up with the whole story line? Whose vision was that? It was a mashugana mess. Why were you threatening to eat lipstick? Why were you upsetting that priest? Why were you barefoot in a poop colored gown? Why were you calling your back-up dancers who were dressed as Benedictine monks (…why?) “Mama?” And who, and I mean WHO, is this “Roman” character you kept referring to???

I know it’s really in to be avant garde and basically just fucking weird. And apparently it’s totally cool to show up at award shows in life sized eggs and stuff, but this whole “I’M SO CRAZY! I AM PUSHING EVERY ENVELOPE EVER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! LITERALLY EVERY ENVELOPE EVVVVER” thing is getting old. (A brief side note: did anyone else notice that Lady Gaga’s face net was causing her lipstick to shmeeeeer all over her face??? What a reebus…) Maybe I’m just not that smart and I didn’t get the artistic beauty behind that performance.

No. Actually, I know it just straight up sucked and made little to no sense. HOWEVER, it has, in fact, inspired me to pursue my own career in finger painting with urine, acrylic glitter paint, peanut butter and boogers combined with making throat noises/crying while wearing couture. It’s worked for many others before me and apparently, you may even be so lucky as to be invited to perform at important events such as THE GRAMMYS if you partake in similar artistic ventures. 

Not.

If you haven’t yet watched, do so…But at your own risk:

** http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fa-96UW6bm0 **

Let Me Tell Y’all Something

Rationality involves zero emotion. So, only when you have no feelings for someone/something are you able to act entirely rational. Unfortunately, we are human and therefore emotional. It is in our nature. And some people are more emotional than others. Our ability to be rational will NEVER quite be 100%. This being said, try to not be so hard on yourself or others. Because, to put it simply, we are all only human.