Real Talk: I Don’t Know What To Call This One, Actually…

I’m about to get really emotional and girlie on you all. Last night, I was listening to the song “Jar Of Hearts” (because I’m a sappy girl…lyrics posted below…Also, just an FYI, I’ve never seen such a ridiculous music video, like, ever…but, alright) and I can’t remember the last time a song told my exact story of heartbreak to a “T.”

My last relationship, which I have touched on a few times in past posts, did a number on me. I have never experienced love and heartbreak this way in my life. When this relationship ended, the wind was knocked out of me. Part of what made this break up so difficult was that it never, really, simply ended. Although he entered his next relationship within weeks of our break-up, he continued to reach out, to tell me he was deeply in love with me, had no idea what he was doing, was making a huge mistake and couldn’t take being apart from me. Then, he would shut me down and take it all back. Over. And over. And over. When we saw each other for the first time post breakup over the Summer, we agreed that our feelings for one another hadn’t weakened and that we would work on mending our relationship and get back together. Yet, he made me promises he couldn’t keep, I fell for it. I’m an idiot. But of course, it didn’t end there either.

The cycle began again…The reaching out, the “I love you’s,” the “I miss you’s,” the “I want to see you’s.” So finally, after months, we saw each other. He held me in his arms, kissing me, he told me that he has never loved anyone the way and to the extent to which he loves me….That he wished we had never broken up to begin with. There my dumb ass was. Love drunk. Falling for it. Again. Thanking the heavens that he had finally come to his senses…That we were embracing each other again, holding each other tight and close. I just loved him…

It turns out that the only person that needed to come to their senses was ME. The next day, he took back everything he told me. Ripped me apart all over again. I couldn’t understand why it was so easy for him to do this to me. For months, he hadn’t truly let go of me. And I hadn’t truly let go of him. I continued to allow him back into my life. Every time he reached out, I’d buckle. Every fucking time. This was the man that had promised me the world, we were planning on spending our lives together and creating a life together. Instead, he turned out to be the boy who couldn’t figure himself the fuck out. A boy who wasn’t who he said he was. There was no man there. My heart had never felt so empty and heavy all at the same time. And I don’t think I had ever felt so damn tired. 

But lately, I am learning so much about my strength. Experiencing some excruciating heartbreak and allowing someone to make me question my own worth has lead me to this journey of “self discovery” (for lack of a better term). I’d say that within these last few months, I have grown leaps and bounds. It almost feels like I was a little girl “back then.” Revisiting this experience in my mind still stings. And that’s just the truth. 

Maybe one day I can tell him “thank you,” because I know there will come a time when all my pieces have come back together, this time these pieces will be glued on a hell of a lot tighter, and I will have learned how to really value myself. And that, my friends, is one of the most important lessons in this life.